This was written after 2013 started, a very tough time for me. It’s about secrets. For some reason I can’t recall, it didn’t make it to the book.
Is this boring to you? Republishing things? Not being able to have new moments? Oh God, is this how living fully means? To just go hunt in your past for the you who expressed you the best? “I’ve been there, I’ve done that” kind of thing. That’s so arid.
In my defense, the post segued into a hopeful tune.
There’s this charm to the stories you never get to tell, you know. Painful or happy, some things in life are forever bound to secrecy, and if you give this some thought, unspoken words somehow define who you are. In a fold of mystic wisdom, your secrets are actually you.
Even though I’m not the best preacher in the field of keeping things to myself, for I’m sure you’d agree with me the moment you eye this blog’s archive, I still think exposing one’s secrets is a mistake. It’s very tempting, especially if you crown it with word craft and animate prose or when a great listener or a warm shoulder is around, but in excess, you’ll lose pieces of yourself you don’t know you’d verily need in the future.
You might not know it, but there will come a time in your life when you’ll find yourself too exhausted and too empty for parts of you to be found missing. When wounds rupture and when pains conquer, your biggest concern then would be to close the gapes and to stop the bleeding, so that you’d heal. This is a time when you’d appreciate the wholesome fact of having secrets. It’s simply safe.
You know how a troubled heart beats irregularly at times? Those ups and downs we see in those readings? Life is like this sometimes. You’d sleep to the exact opposite of what you had woken up to, and you wake up to what you never thought you’d want to do. A mess of us is sometimes necessary for our experiences to completely formulate.
I like to think that the time spent in emotional convalescence is merely the moments your lessons need to gradually detach from the feelings coating them. Feelings distract, you know. And then, after your emotions release your mind there comes yet another challenge: you. You’d spend a sometimes longer while to separate between what you learned in life and you. That path from subjective to objective sometimes takes years.
Don’t fall prey to a self assertion of coming to be sure of what you want, ever. Always remind yourself that you don’t know, and that you might be mistaken. It’ll make you more humble and it’ll get you closer to God. We are not created to be exactly sure of things, except of Him.
After all, how can we love Him if we’re so sure we’re right? When seek we Him, then, my friends?
I still believe in the future. I still believe there’s a reason for all the disappointments. I still believe the best is yet to come. I won’t give up. I will find comfort in not knowing, for I have failed to find it elsewhere.
And I will still try like hell to find you.