These days I’m doing something I never did before with such a potent pitch. It’s not even something that I’m doing willingly. You know those kinds of thoughts that occupy the minutes right before sleep and right after waking up? And of course, the kinds of thoughts that faintly exist in all of your dreams and nightmares?
The thing is, I’m not satisfied with who I am. Although I have made a very significant career achievement this year (more on that later) in addition to some contributions to the wellbeing of myself and my family, and a tiny bit my religion, I still feel like I did nothing. So as a compromise, I am reevaluating everything.
Usually, self censure extends to some weeks in the past. During some unfortunate nights, the reel could well rewind to months in the realm of sad happenings and blunders. However, this time, I’m doing an assessment of the whole past decade of my life..
Yes. The last ten years. Quite a long while if you think about it. The chain of events. The mistakes. The few, very few good things. The bad things. My acquaintances and friends. My knowledge and culture. My identity. My faith. My relationship with God. My family. My education and career. My lifestyle..
Sometimes it gets so sad my breathing suffers. At other times, some light rises on my spirits from somewhere, but it doesn’t last the long I yearn it to. I know I am a perfectionist, and I know how that tends to complicate matters, but I really, and for the first serious time, wish I could get back to being 16 years old again, and maybe choose a different college, or a different set of friends.. I don’t know, something different.
An article I read speculated on how Ramadan is a time for revision and reflection, and it had often been so for me. But this year it’s different. With the stress that’s crushing my country and the challenges of patience and faith, I was introduced to the truth about my character, and the truth of many other things along with that. I keep finding out that certain events in my far past are brandishing their consequences in my face now, and I’m usually lost in vainglory, because my conscience exhausts itself between correcting the past and handling the present. I envy many who have things ready for them..
And on the other hand, I can’t but be thankful for the very fact that I’m being ground by such thoughts. They have certain purging properties that are unintentionally needed by my existence, just like a flu needs medicine. I learned to love how God changes and teaches me, how His subtle management of my affairs had always molded me into something stronger and better. Lately, this has become the sole consolation for the loss of my Mom. I always feel that He is directly guiding me, with no mediators..
However, this time I am a little afraid. If the mistakes are that lost in the deserts of my past, then the courage I’ll need to summon for correcting them might surpass any strength I have. Or not. I don’t know. It’s still too raw.
I need a lot of prayers. I used to need someone, and I vaguely still do. If they’re out there, then maybe they’re already praying for me, and I hope they are. We are both going to need it in the coming decade..