Maybe this world had taken a wrong turn a very long time ago and is only realizing it now, or no, not realizing it, rather denying it. This wretched status quo, on all levels, gives me the severest kinds of pain lately.

I have been devouring many texts since the start of this year, and during certain nights my head was about to explode from the amount of literature it has eaten and is wanting to channel out. My mind is exhausted and my heart is aching because of the vanity of it all. I am not moving. I am not doing anything. I have all of these convictions built, and all of these notions constructed, and I am doing nothing.

I don’t enjoy reading anymore. For me now every additional finished book is a hurled weight on the top of my shouldered burden. Each new idea that any text inspires crushes my breathing. I keep asking myself: what are you going to do with this? You have an epiphany, you believe in it that strongly, then what?

And then, to my stunned spirits, I remembered that God will ask me the same question when I meet him. He will ask me what I did with that so called knowledge. It’s quite frightening.

I keep waiting for conversations that never take place, with people whom I know I could be of help who never ask for it. So it’s pride on their side, and timidness on mine. And the more I learn, the more I become confident in my ability to be of use. The more I eye people’s troubles of faith and heart, the more I ache for the distance between us no one is cutting.

I have a lot to say, to let out, and it’s so lonely..

Maybe God has already replaced me.

And now, that’s terrifying too..


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